This is a somewhat controversial and personal post that describes my spontaneous Kundalini Awakening that occurred in the Winter of 2018. I have decided to post this blog in order to help others that may be struggling with their own awakening or who may be contemplating moving into the Kundalini experience. My purpose is to inform not to influence. To also support others, not draw attention to myself. My reason for posting is that I may help others understand a profound process in our soul’s journey.
In early January 2018 I think I was in the happiest place I had ever been in my life. I had found another passion in my life-lifting weights- after I tore my Achilles tendon the year prior and my health was optimal. I felt pretty good emotionally and was in a space where I felt free and strong. My daughter was in her second year of graduate school and was looking forward to the new year. All that changed on a cloudy afternoon in January at the beach and although I did not know it at the time my entire life was about to change and things would never, ever be the same again.
An Excerpt from my book “American Medium-“Nils”
Tuesday’s are always my beach days. My lucky days. Rain or shine I go down to the beach and walk on the water, if it’s warm I lay out and read whatever amazing book I’ve managed to find. If the waves are right, I surf. On that day I was a beach bookworm, digging my toes into the sand and enjoying my book and the day. On that day, which I now refer to as D-Day because I felt as if a bomb went off in my life, I encountered a tall German man named Nils. He came out of nowhere and set fire to my soul and then disappeared into the ether…..
We would have two dinners and a long walk in one week and it would end with a brief text from him when he arrived home in Hamburg, Germany. It said “it was nice to meet you…the distance is too.. far-“It was really something special”” I think about our time together a lot” his words. This text message I received when I was in the ICU. I called him to let him know that I was in the hospital but I didn’t hear back. I didn’t reach out after that. I never reach back out when I feel danger.
On our last night together walking around in Santa Monica I felt what seemed like chest pains when I was with him. I had to sit down and even went to a pharmacy and purchased some Advil. I also felt a stabbing pain in my tailbone when I was with him, when he was holding me, almost like a rusty nail being pierced into my spine and then a blast of energy burning up my back and then into the top of my head. The pains began that night and continued while I was dropping him off at the airport and intensified after I arrived back home. Within the hour of arriving home I was on my way to the ER at the urging of my daughter. I have no history of heart problems and am an athlete. Little did I know this was the beginning of the awakening of my Kundalini energy. I am very grateful to my daughter for urging me to go to the ER when I did, otherwise I most likely would have passed away in my sleep that night because within 15 minutes of being at the hospital I coded out. My blood pressure was 50 over 30. I did not have any blockages in my arteries. My heart rhythm was disturbed by the power of this energy. The doctors could give me no concrete reason as to why my heart stopped. This was also when my stomach immediately bloated. They had no answers. I worried that it would happen again but it hasn’t. I was clinically dead for 3 1/2 minutes before the doctors paddled me back to life. I do not remember anything from this near death experience other than coming to and hearing my daughter crying.
It would be many months before I was able to work and resume my life. I spent a week in the hospital undergoing a barrage of tests. The doctors final analysis was that I had experienced a state of shock. But it didn’t feel that way to me. I regained my strength by lifting small weights and cycling-my passion- building up to an hour a day. But my stomach was so bloated I could not wear most of my clothing. I could barely breathe because of pressure from the bloating. I looked like I was about to give birth, and still do. For nearly six months I would have extreme instances of vomiting and diarrhea and shaking and falling. I fell and broke my wrist because my balance was so altered. I feared that I was dying. Dozens of doctors visits and they could only give me drugs to combat the bizarre symptoms. I threw them all out. I would put my head on my pillow at night and wonder what had I done to deserve this? I don’t cry easily but during this time I was crying and shaking myself to sleep. What has happened to cause this suffering? In this time period I would lose 30 pounds, but then gain it back in one year. I was still in the dark about what was taking place within my body.
Honestly, if I could change one thing in my life it would be my decision to spend time with this person. Why? Because this decision changed my whole world view and being. Everything. Apocalyptical. I don’t want to say that I wish I had never met a person, but I do-I just wish I would have known the extreme consequences from doing so. I am a somewhat cautious person emotionally. For a long time I was upset with myself because I let something in that completely changed everything in my life. Can I prove that this man was a catalyst that entered into my life to activate my Kundalini? I can’t. I can tell you though that I have never felt anything like that in my life and have never been so disarmed emotionally by anyone. I don’t date. I am an incredible loner but for some reason I let him in. Most people that know me know I would never allow any man to take a primary role in my life, I am my own girl. Is he a Twin-Flame? Maybe. I’m not completely sold on that aspect of this experience as I have always believed that only God could bring a soul to completion. He had some business in my life that week other than the business trip he was on for his IT Cloud Company, that’s for sure. This was a very innocent and brief meeting. It wasn’t anything I was looking for. I could never plan something like this even if I tried. I didn’t even know someone like that existed in the world. It was the most powerful thing I have ever felt in my life. I don’t need proof that this caused my awakening. I KNOW IT DID.
I know very little about yoga other than it helps millions of people find peace and enlightenment. At least that is the impression I had always had of it. Personally, I was never really drawn to yoga because I knew at the very least it was for “something”, to awaken something and as a medium and someone who deals with the supernatural every day I did not want any more enlightenment. I am kind of earthy and prefer to surf and lift weights for my healing outlets. Yoga is very westernized and many consider it a form of exercise and it might have those benefits but yoga is not exercise. The point of yoga is to awaken the Kundalini. All yoga embodies the 26 poses that either do this on a vicarious level or in a direct way, such as Kundalini Yoga. Please, before you begin this journey make sure you research and study and search your soul to see if this is something you really want to do because there is no going back. If you are heavily involved in the world with things such as your career, deep relationships and raising children you might want to wait until you are older and your life is yours again. Or wait until it happens naturally and not force it. The cleansing symptoms are different for each person. I went through and am still experiencing profound abdominal bloating (top photo of the distended stomach for three years) in which I look like I am 9 months pregnant, severe pain in my skull and clavicle area. Over the summer of 2020 I could not walk for two weeks because of the pain in my knees where the energy was discharging impurities. Let’s not forget that this energy stopped my heart. I don’t think it meant to but it is Divine energy coming at a strong force into a three-dimensional earthly body.
Some of the other symptoms that occurred besides my heart stopping were dystonia, diplopia which lasted for one year and I needed to wear prism glasses, extreme vertigo where I could not even lift my head up for days, food allergies-sometimes only able to eat steamed vegetables, dramatic change in blood pressure, rashes that would appear on my arms-inside and out that would suddenly vanish, severe bloating in my abdominal area and in my head, my tongue swelling and pulling back into a curl, nausea, severe full body pain, shaking, falling, hair loss, dizziness, gaining 25 pounds in order to hold the energy, my cholesterol shot up 70 points in one month which has been persistent through this process, loss of a toenail, feeling a burning sensation in areas of my body that last for days and then disappear, neuropathy, dissolution of long term relationships, swollen joints-especially my ankles with bleeding into the joint, heart palpitations, severe congestion in lungs and head, pain in certain limbs as the impurities are resolved and released, skin-crawling, inability to be around low-vibrational people and things-this has really brought out my loner tendencies, sleep paralysis, two deep holes along the sides of my frenulum that were created by the Kundalini burning through this area for 5 weeks to the point were I bled from this area and my face became swollen-the openings are slow to heal. This was identified by my dentist. He thought I had the beginnings of a disease, maybe even cancer but the tests revealed no pathology. This burning continues on a lower pitch to this day, pronounced stretch marks alongside my abdomen from the bloating going on for three years-this has really been the hardest one as it is very difficult to breathe and nothing fits anymore, hearing strange high pitched tuning noises , amplifications of my spiritual gifts, entities in the house ( I will probably always have this one♥).
These symptoms are my body’s reaction to the Kundalini energy cleansing every cell, each body and all lifetimes. Some symptoms subside and then new symptoms arrive. It ebbs and flows depending on what the energy is working on. The energy is very impersonal. Even though it is technically “you” I would not characterize it as loving as some have written about. Maybe tough-love is a good characterization. It has agenda and will override any type of resistance you show. The realism of Kundalini energy is expressed through the cleansing symptoms, not the finished product. It is the transformative process that most people can identify with as it mimics pain, illness and distress. The body never really catches up with the Kundalini energy but it does eventually become accustomed to the purity of Kundalini. There are ways to ask the higher self to ease down, but the cleansing symptoms have their own layered tempo. It may quiet down for a time, but it will always seek to clear the bodies in its own tailored design. The Kundalini’s job is to “burn” and I mean burn away the inauthentic….
My feeling about the Kundalini Awakening is that if it happens spontaneously then circumstances may have been brought into your to facilitate this. But anything that’s forced: love, situations, enlightenment, allegiance just isn’t maybe ready to be actualized. Or the ego wants something and the person is not prepared to receive the energy because they are not ready. A lot of instructors do not understand how to help someone with the cleansing symptoms after an awakening, which can last decades and derail someone’s karmic agreements. Be informed when beginning a journey into the Kundalini. Study and consider the place you are in your life. Find mentors who are wise and will talk to you prior to doing any instruction about the consequences of releasing this energy. The Kundalini energy can also draw situations into your life to accelerate the cleansing process once it is awakened and having this awareness is also important as it can be very socially and emotionally disruptive. I am obviously in the group of people who did not prepare for this (how could I if I didn’t know what it was) so the cleansing symptoms are very pronounced.
I have been told that I have Kundalini Syndrome and I can accept that. But I don’t think that my energy was awakened incorrectly. It happened organically so how can that be wrong? There was just a massive amount of energy and impurities to clear, like most folks on the Earth. It is astonishing how many layers we all have and that we carry. I believe also that the higher your vibration spiritually the more intense the awakening but I could be wrong. Just a feeling I have about it. Thirty-seven point 2 trillion cells to clean. Countless lifetimes, not to mention the subtle bodies. I liken it to exploratory surgery-we don’t know what is in there until someone goes in. There would be no way someone on Earth would know that they have completely purified their body until the Kundalini is awakened. That’s when things get real. This is divine energy that knows everything about you so even if you prepare and fast and purify it could still be a profound process. Whether it’s planned or spontaneous there really is no way to tell what the energy will do until it is released. And no one can control it. No one. My healers have tried. We tried everything. Fasting can help but how can a human being control Divine energy?? Bone-chilling if you think about it. My question in all of this is why are people doing this? What are their reasons interpersonally? This energy will not allow you to be deeply involved in the world and with others so I think having a good reason should be a priority. It is an exaltation and a merging with the Divine. In my mind that seems sad that someone would choose to bypass those experiences of a life previously chosen prior to inhabiting their body. Think of the people and the situations that you will not encounter. Overall-THINK. Don’t get railroaded into doing something that is irreversible. If anything should ever be completely organic it is this. I promise you it will happen in some lifetime but if you are a young person with your whole life ahead of you please give it a lot of thought. You have other options to become enlightened.
I would also consider your religious beliefs when exploring Kundalini practices. If you are practicing yoga it is of the Hindu, Buddhist and Jainism religious element. Yoga is not part of the Christian tradition even though it is marketed as such. Think yoga 5th century BCE and Christianity 1st Century. I know people blend religions these days, I do that with my native American background. But it helps to expose yourself and research so you understand what you are aligning with. Study these religions to see if they mirror your own beliefs and values. This would be the most important area to research. One of the most important things about spiritual evolution is asking yourself WHY ARE YOU CHOOSING THE THINGS YOU CHOOSE. My studies in the area of Theology were very beneficial to me and I was exposed to many different belief systems. I consider myself a Ecumenical Catholic. I left the Roman Catholic Church because the “I” who is alive in the world just can’t mold to their tenants, which is laughable because I am a stigmatic. Another change within the Kundalini, I had to be brutally honest with who and what I am in this lifetime and not hide anything. It’s better that way. Even though I see the dead, I still practice my Christian faith and align as closely as I can to it despite my awakening. You will need a strong belief system in order to go through this process. I had to separate myself from the Dogma of what I was taught. I will say that I have felt very spiritually compromised throughout this process. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. I have felt at times afraid to be alive.
The most important thing to understand about a Kundalini Awakening from a spiritual perspective is that it signifies the soul’s removal from the reincarnation system. During the cleansing process the inferior astral body is dissolved and destroyed so the soul can ascend beyond the “Astral’s” into the Soul Realms and reunite with their Home Soul Family. That family may be different than the family that you experienced in this lifetime. All lessons are learned and all karma resolved. You don’t come back to the Earth and you don’t have a reason to. Coming back to the earth as a illuminated person would be an incredibly difficult task. Believe me, I’ve lived it. You most likely will see the dead and a bunch of other things and you will be here specifically to help, not so much for yourself. If you did come back in the capacity of a profound healer or spiritual helper you would be on the front lines, like me-an arduous existence to be sure. I don’t see how someone who is awakened or illuminated and reincarnates back to the Earth would be able to lead a quiet and normal life. Your vibration would be used in the assistance of helping the masses and in the conflicts that most likely will still be ongoing on the Earth. Enlightenment to me seems like a biproduct and something the ego attaches to but I really don’t feel that it is the primary objective of this energy. Just like fitness is a byproduct of doing yoga, but not really the point of that practice. Kundalini Yoga is a man made system created to release this energy and the meaning of the energy is interpreted by man so of course it will seem beneficial in ones lifetime. I would pay more attention to what it’s doing to the subtle bodies. If this is really true and the inferior astral body is destroyed during Kundalini then that is the primary purpose of this process. To remove you from the reincarnation process and to send you home. The spiritual home you created by your choices and behaviors in your lifetimes and possibly where you originated from spiritually-not cozying up with the Divine. To me forced release may put the soul in that spiritual pickle-you are out of the reincarnation process unless you want to come back and help. Not a lot of options. I have not found much on the ideas about what happens in the afterlife to the soul after a full Kundalini Awakening as I believe it is a one time thing. I may be wrong though. The cleansing process is probably in place so that what you are holding and keeps you bound to this plane energetically is removed as well. I say probably because to be honest we really don’t know the true purpose of this energy. We give it a name and meaning. But there could be a completely different reason for it to remain in the body. Seems like folks skip over this part and to me where your soul goes after death is very important. The most important component in all of this. Not how illuminated you got to be while on earth in your body. That is actually something you can cultivate and deepen and direct while in your body without releasing this energy. I know of some very corrupt and low frequency types that have awakened this force and they are even worse than they were prior to their awakening. Almost like cult leaders. I believe you go where you behaved and came from. No matter what. Keep that in mind because I believe that not everyone should awaken their Kundalini. They may not have the lifetimes and the wisdom to support this profound awakening. They may have trauma-past or present- that they need to work through or have other circumstances in their lifetime that may not support it. There are spiritual and soul implications for actualizing this aspect of your being that go beyond your earthly life. It’s not a cure all for learning and deepening or a shortcut to actualization. You may be cleansed but what will you face upon your death? Your life(s) history is recorded in the Akashic, it doesn’t just evaporate. It’s there. It’s a determinate. It kind of perpetuates our narcissistic trends these days. I often wonder what the implications are if the ego wakes this energy up. What then? Are the outcomes different for those that have spontaneous or fated awakenings?
I am not a yoga instructor or an expert in Kundalini Awakenings. I do not profess to be. I am just a person, a parapsychologist and clairvoyant an everyday person in many ways who is sharing my personal experience about my spontaneous Kundalini Awakening, an Awakening not a rising, they are very different things, without the benefit of any knowledge of what was happening. In many ways my experience is a little more authentic as there was never any pre-existing information to influence what I was experiencing. I think three years into this process does give me the credibility to speak candidly about my experiences. After all, I don’t have an angle and I am not trying to sell anything. I am only sharing my experience. I have immense respect for all spiritual teachers and helpers, but I do think people should have the awareness and knowledge in order to make an informed decision if they embark upon this pathway. If you ask most people they believe yoga is exercise, many have no idea what they are doing and why they are doing it and what the possible outcome could be. Most do not know what Kundalini energy is and that is very concerning to me. That is one of the reasons I felt compelled to write this blog. I am not anti-yoga. Not at all. I know how devoted people are to this art. I feel that way about weight-lifting. Believe me, I understand. It is very beneficial and some of my close friends are yoga teachers. Even they are astounded at what I have been through. I do feel that so many people are doing yoga these days without the study of yoga as a vehicle for the soul’s evolution. I haven’t met one person personally, not one, that is in an awakened state through forceful release. So it may be that it is really something very special. It takes a massive amount of force and energy to awaken the Kundalini. Sometimes a back injury can cause an awakening. It can also happen during an emotionally traumatic event, through drug use and a union with a Twin Flame. It can also happen during a near-death experience. The traditional channel though is through the practice of the art of Yoga. The aftershocks are something to really consider because they are different for everyone. The very few people that I have connected with who are actually going through this have the symptoms I have, some much worse to the point where they are completely disabled. They all had spontaneous awakenings as I did. I have not yet spoken to someone who is awakened through yoga personally-perhaps that person had purified their bodies prior as some monks do. I am still waiting to hear an authentic story about Kundalini Awakening that does not involve the intense cleansing symptoms and/or was achieved through the practice of yoga. In this time period-not in the history of the art form. I’m sure they exist. I am hopeful to hear their story and understand their journey.
The Kundalini energy is not evil as some religious commentators have stated. Quite the contrary actually. It is known as the face of God. Even in Catholicism, the religion that I practice, it is called Incendium Amoris which means in Latin “fire of divine love“. The Kundalini is essentially the residual or remaining energies that were used in our creation that for whatever reason were not allocated in the creation of our Chakras and other energy systems during your initial inception. These residual energies are then coiled and remain stored in a dormant state in the Sacral Chakra to be released upon death or carried with the aspected soul upon their transition. When they are awakened while the person is still alive these Divine energies begin the work of removing all the toxins and impurities and bring the person and their soul into alignment with our Divinity. This I believe is specifically so that the soul will not stay in the lower Astral Planes. It took me a long time to understand why I couldn’t just leave my body on Earth and cleanse my subtle bodies up in the Astral Plane-why this hellish purification on Earth? Turns out I’m not going back to the Astral Realms as it happens. A tall order for a three dimensional body to incorporate.
Energy has been manipulated on Earth since the dawn of man and Kundalini is now a word that you may have heard in relationship to yoga and awakening. It has been brought into our mainstream. There is nothing “mainstream” about Kundalini energy. Just because something is popular doesn’t mean it’s not serious. This is the most serious thing I have ever encountered here on Earth. To me, more serious than Demons, Exorcism even Aliens. More serious than Death. That’s how serious this is. Society can sometimes run with things and commercialize things that are sacred. They have done it with love, pro-creation, religion , spirituality, sexuality-anything to make a quick buck. But in the end what does it all add up to? I truly believe that spiritual awakenings cannot be forced and that it is something that unfolds as the soul moves through their lifetime processes. It was shocking to me when I found out that some folks are charging people exorbitant amounts of money to awaken other people’s Kundalini energy. I did not see any aftercare services in a lot of theses places either. Every single person will experience a Kundalini Awakening in some lifetime. But I think they need to accumulate the spiritual wisdom and experiences beforehand otherwise they will have the Kundalini energy coursing through their body with nothing to reference.
My personal experience with the Kundalini has been very, very intense, extremely arduous. The physical and emotional pain connected to my awakening is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I liken it to gallons and gallons of jet fuel mixed together with boxes and boxes of matches coursing around my body burning whatever obstacles, substances, chemicals or energy that is in the way. It does whatever it wants to whenever it wants to. I let myself feel all of it. I do use Salon Pas though to make it back off when it becomes too much. The Kundalini seems to dislike Lidocaine♥ Gotcha!
I would consider myself a very open-minded person but not particularly interested in my own spiritual development. I never cared. As long as I was doing the right thing then I thought the rest would take care of itself. I much prefer helping others. This is most likely down to being a medium and having all of it forced upon me. I seek grounding and steadiness. When you are already sensitive and naturally open you are pretty much over the forced enlightenment routine and just want normalcy. I understand that due to my spiritual experiences and clairvoyant abilities there may be more to clear but I am also a person who is very grounded and stable. I never play with energy because of my experiences as a medium and parapsychologist. I cannot control what comes into my energy fields. That’s why I am such a proponent of grounding. There are other perspectives. In my small little pea brain I believed that people should unfold in their lifetime…as they choose and move into new experiences they grow and deepen. But sometimes other forces prevail. I know there is a reason for why this happened to me. A rapid ascension. Maybe it has something to do with our families 6 year haunting. Maybe it has something to do with me not reuniting with my family of origin because the thought of meeting them again is not pleasant? Or this is my last lifetime. I have had a very difficult and intense life and I have learned quite a lot. Maybe I’ve learned all that I need to. A lot of thoughts stir in my mind. Some people have very mild awakenings and they are quite brief. Some people feel bliss and peace and I am happy for those folks, but I don’t believe a word they say!!! How? I am in my third year with this process. I still feel that this was something that was karmically ordained. Do I think I am special because I have awakened Kundalini? HELL NO! I am still a townie from Maine-always will be. My Norwegian working class roots and my love of home and family will never leave my being. I am still Kate. The strange thing about me is that I have really never needed anything. I always felt that I had what I needed at every moment. This has shown me that even that belief can be shaken. I would never, ever in my wildest dreams or inclinations seek something like this out. The fact that it happened fortuitously (or underhandedly depending on your perspective) makes me trust it somewhat, but it has not brought me peace. It has been many, many years of profound physical suffering. Thankfully, I am a very grounded person and it has not shaken my mental faculties all that much. Thank God for that because you need to be very mentally strong to handle this. Literally tough as nails…. and have a very strong level of endurance. It’s not playtime with this energy. Kundalini is very invasive and the “me” as I was no longer exists. The ego is dissolved. Most days I feel as though I am an observer here on Earth. A lot of my interests have gone by the wayside, painting, reading and even writing which has been a passion of mine since I learned the craft of communication from pen to paper. I miss those things but the drive to create has somewhat diminished. This part makes me feel sadness because they brought me so much joy. I do not hold the belief that Kundalini Awakening is a salvific agent for a human being.
The “Entity Phase” of the Kundalini Experience has probably been the most difficult. It can be shocking. It can cause severe fear in an individual seeing and interacting with non-local entities. I personally have seen spirits, ghosts, discarnate energies since I was a little girl. I have grown accustomed to seeing them, having the covers on my bed move, things moving around, noises, odors-it goes on and on. I have known to ground myself and to maintain my health to keep the filters strong. The Kundalini removed those filters that I as a medium rely on and drew in some of the most intense things I have ever experienced. Things I was familiar with and new entities that forgot to knock when they made themselves known. You want to talk about fear, it took me a while to learn how to super-ground myself so they are kept at bay. As a Kundalini Awakened person you now have Divine energy coursing through your being and you become something like a Christmas Tree in the Astral plane where you may now encounter other powerful entities that may take an interest in you, they may even target you. The Kundalini may even send them your way to gauge your progress (assholes). Some of these self-proclaimed Kundalini gurus that will tell you they can wake up this energy and your life will be bliss and happiness won’t talk about this aspect of the activation-but I will. The Demonic and Shadow Entities and ET’s flock to the newly awakened, not just Kundalini folks but all awakenings. They may try and prevent the ascension and penetrate the aura and create possession scenarios. These situations can become very serious. These entities will use FEAR to dig into the wounds that are being healed. Protecting the aura is very important during ascensions. I can’t even imagine what the average person might think in suddenly seeing entities that are here on Earth and lay just a blink away from our perception. My heart goes out to newly awakened people who are just now being introduced to the supernatural and hierarchical entities. The brighter you become the more “they” notice you and may want to engage. You may even feel targeted. That’s part of this process I’m afraid. Something else to think about if you are easily frightened or higher strung. Most folks are not used to seeing things like this and it can compound an already overwhelming process. Ignore them if you are able and seek help if they become too invasive. This has nothing to do with how much you purify your chakras. It is your frequency that attracts them for the most part. This change to your earthly vibration is permanent and care of the aura will be tantamount at this point in your journey to keep these critters in check. Remember you are altering your frequency when you awaken this energy and you will align with other entities that have their own agendas. Remember what and where you are waking up to. Kundalini Energy dissolves the will and the ego while you are on earth and in your body. You actually need your ego and your will in order to defend yourself down here from many things. It’s your driving force. This is the area where I believe enlightenment does not align with the difficulty of living on our planet. The earth is one of the most volatile and violent planets to inhabit. You will have to develop other skills and coping mechanisms to survive through your life’s duration after this energy is released. It helps to be intrinsically strong. Hate to say to but the earth is not a Utopia and doesn’t care that you have a heightened awareness.
Bullies, whether earthly or otherworldly have been a part of my life since I was a kid-and I have spent my lifetime learning how to stand up and fight and claim my own space. Every single bully that I have encountered whether it be here on Earth or in the other dimensions is afraid and hurting. A lot of them here on earth flock to places like the internet and Yelp, too afraid to say things to someone’s face-can’t deal with these jokers. Cowards all of them. I am not afraid of conflict with anything or anyone and do not care about consequences when it comes to protecting my personal safety. I will cross the line if I have to. I have to honestly laugh at this part of the awakening because I know very well how to deal with most of them. I have been known to set off a can of Bear Mace or Hot Shot Wasp Spray or two when they get too intrusive. Laughter does help this process.
One physical expression that has started from this phase is Stigmata and hemography. I literally have a patch of writing on my left and right forearms. Mainly numbers and symbols and Aramaic that overlap each other. At first I thought it was a rash but the symbols look as if they are imprinted into my skin. When the writing occurs it feels like I am being burned. At the first onset it looked like a burn and was very red and raised. Then it would peel and flake away. This continues to happen and the writing overlaps. It now has started on my wrists and hands. I have been a stigmatic all of my life, with the blisters that appear on my hands and sometimes my feet. It’s just another thing about me that’s kind of different. This had stopped when the Kundalini first awoke. But as of this writing my stigmatic blisters on my hands, mainly my left, have returned, alongside the writing. I think they might be coming from different places though. This did and does scare me because I feel as though something is trying to communicate with me and it has a multi-religious expression. I feel it may be my higher self possibly. The writing seems to be the same type of cursive, flourished letters….not my writing. I stopped looking at the writing as of this posting and just let it do what it has to. I have also experienced severe internal bleeding in my elbow and knee joints where the impurities are being discharged. I have noticed this happens after a major infusion with the cycles usually lasting three months with a small break and then it starts all over again.
The Numbers 333 appear in repetition
The patch of writing is alarming to see manifest but I do believe it has something to do with the energy reaching the crown chakra, which has happened in the last two months. It was part of the process that I feared the most because it’s the brain and Lord knows what is there. It has subsided a bit. I have learned that this is a common manifestation of lifetimes being discharged and expression of the Divine. Our skin is our largest organ. It is a reconciliation organ so it makes sense that some of the symptoms from the cleansing would appear within it.
There are also many “M’s” which to me, look like Catholic Marian’s which historically have been used to invoke the protection of Mary against evil forces-shocker– and lots of crosses. It might have to do with my background in Roman Catholicism. I choose to perceive this as a physical manifestation of the cleansing process of this lifetime, past lifetimes and my incarnation/karma. Some of the markings seem to be Apotropaic symbols.
bleeding on my hand
Another language and crosses 
Some other language and Roman Numeral 9
More double M’s
Crosses
The name of the individual who triggered the awakening, my name and Crosses
More Crosses
Crosses
Lance
This is the most recent symbol to appear on my left arm. It literally felt like I was being burned. This to me looks like a large P which can symbolize a Cristogram or “Chi Rho” which can be associated with the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ. A lot of the burning symbols have themes of Christianity of Catholicism. My daughter says this looks like a UFO-I don’t know….
Financially this process has been very expensive. The amount of time and energy and money that I have had to put forth in order to help myself during the awakening has not been cheap. I am a person that keeps track of every penny, I have since I was a little girl. So far I have spent over $30,000.00 out of my own pocket in medical fees, healing, alternative medicine treatments and I made it bare bones. This does not include my heart and kidney surgeries and multiple ER visits. Then it’s pushed to over a million dollars easily. I now have a permanent heart arrhythmia and will have to take medication for the rest of my life to keep things stable. Not everyone will have cardiac implications when this energy is released but many do. Thank God I have medical insurance. The amount I spend has diminished in the past six months but in the beginning I need a lot of support. This is also something to keep in mind as many were happy to take my money because I was vulnerable and had no idea what was happening to me. I learned a lot through this journey about taking care of myself and how to become my own best friend when it comes to my spiritual health. It is something I think people can plan for, such as putting money away prior to your journey and having a job that allows you freedom and to maybe be at home. After Kundalini you most likely will not be able to go back to your life prior anyways.
Western Medicine has not caught up with the Kundalini Awakening experience presently. As more and more people awaken they will invariably wind up in either the ER as I did or their doctors office. Each physician that I came into contact with were baffled by my symptoms. I was even mocked by an ER Physician and asked if I wore white and had a gong when I told him about my experience. I stopped talking about it to people I didn’t know after that. It is not my religion. Six months after my initial awakening I found an Ayurvedic doctor that knew immediately what had happened. He was the only person who identified my symptoms and told me the truth about what had occurred. He also explained the mechanism of how it was awoken through the connection with Nils. That he was responsible for triggering the awakening. I credit him with placing me in the hands of some very gifted holistic practitioners who helped me stabilize and get through the first difficult year. It is not a disease. The cleansing symptoms can mimic illness though. I have chosen to use organic supplements, exercise and good nutrition to help myself. When this first began I was very frightened. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I understand more now and know how to care for myself when the symptoms take an uptick. I still cycle over 100 miles a week as part of my exercise routine. It has absolutely kept me sane through all of this but I have not been able to drop much of the weight. No matter how much I ride and modify my diet plan it remains. I believe I need it to ground me somehow.
Have there been any positives in my Kundalini experience? I would have to say yes, there have been. I no longer see the world as a place of black and white and my temper is a little softer ♥. I am also less willing to do things I really don’t want to do. I am more of a friend to myself than a critic which is a big change. The bliss that others speak of I have not really experienced but I do worry less. I also am more forgiving understanding people’s limitations. I would also say that it has amplified my spiritual gifts and allowed me into the Akashic Records with ease. I can see directly into a person’s soul that is being aspected in this lifetime and it has brought me groups of higher vibrational people who are also in their own spiritual awakenings. The Kundalini energy does not really mesh well with the deceased due to their lower vibration. It changed my vibration and this is something that continues to evolve and change and I take it day by day. I came into this life enlightened. I never consciously sought anything deeper out. If anything the Kundalini has caused quite a bit of disruption and tried to put me on a very shaky path spiritually. But my profound faith will never be shaken and it’s tactics are transient and something I now ignore.
Physically the Kundalini removed 7 kidney stones in three days (this was not fun and I wound up back in the ER). The doctors were again baffled as to what was happening. This scenario repeated itself recently when I received another infusion and it removed more kidney stones all at once. This time I developed an infection in my kidneys that lasted for two months. I am told that kidney stones can form because of the chaos that the Kundalini causes during the cleansing symptoms. I am now vigilant with my lemon tea and diet modification so they don’t mature and create these problems. I was scheduled to have a small cyst removed that April and it was dissolved-gone. All of the polyps in my colon-gone. All of the polyps in my nasal passage-gone. My skin is smoother. I know it is cleansing my physical body on the inside and out. My hair and nails grow like wildfire. I have started to smell a profound scent of roses. I also have smelled very strong incense, this I have noticed is somehow connected with these entities that make an appearance. I now see things from a perspective of our collective experience as human beings and I am not connected to the desired outcomes of my well-thought out choices. I do however still feel that this is lost on me sometimes because I am not connected to the process unless there is a symptom and I did not consciously seek this out.
Some of my sadness and grief comes from the understanding that I will not be coming back to the Earth. I wanted to come back. There is still so much I wanted to do and experience. I also felt I had a few scores to settle, just a few tiny touches. Maybe I will change my mind when I leave. I came into this world a very sweet and idealistic soul and am leaving Xena Warrior Princess-a crafted soldier in battle to the end.
If you are experiencing a Kundalini Awakening I would recommend finding high quality threads of healers and mentors that can guide your through this process. Stay grounded, eat as best as you can and get a lot of sleep and drink a lot of water. There is a biology to Kundalini that can be studied in depth. There are a lot of resources online and in print. It is immensely helpful to understand what Kundalini energy is, how it works, what it is for and how it connects all of us. Each person experience is unique to their life stream. Take care of your physical and mental health. I have always been involved in fitness and health and now it is what sustains me. Lifting weights and eating very well are a necessity for me.
I’ve always felt as though I am from another realm, I have never truly felt comfortable here on Earth. Almost having the feeling from time to time that I wanted to go home…not really understanding where home might be. I knew at a very young age that this life was going to be really difficult and I was going to have to be really strong and resourceful to complete this lifetime. I am a very simple person or as my grandmother nicknamed me “Mare” who has had extraordinary things happen to her and that is challenging. I wish I had the courage to write publicly about all my supernatural and ET experiences so people would understand where I am coming from in writing this blog. But I’m not ready to. That is partially why I have delayed the release of my book. My perspective is formed partially from these profound experiences-not from the viewpoint of yoga. They are very frightening and I am still here, in one piece and trying to contribute to our world. There is a lot more going on here on Earth other than enlightenment, believe me.
I sometimes wonder why apocalyptical people have entered my life and caused massive disruptions. It seems to be only a few because I’m very, very careful with people. I try to be in gratitude for the simple things, like the sun coming up and a great wave and a smile on my daughters face. Those things sustain me. As to the true reason this happened in my lifetime I suppose I will not know until I transition off the planet. Maybe it will still be a mystery. I still do not understand how one human being could have that type of effect upon another. I have not been able to release this person from my energy fields either and I struggle with that to this today. I just cannot shut it off and if anyone ever saw me with a tear in my eye it would be down to that component. I am still needing to forgive myself for allowing someone like that into my life. In retrospect I did not use my intrinsic discernment, especially when it came to this persons character. A very, very poor choice I am afraid. This might have been something that was fated but I still allowed that element in. I did it. I am working towards being more forgiving of my humanness. Oppositional people have been used since creation to teach us, why should this situation be any different. I am a very emotional person, although it is not in my nature to show it. Scorpio’s♥ The Kundalini awakening changed that. I can count the times that I have cried on my left hand up until this point in my life. I’m not a crybaby now, but I let myself express my very deep and powerful feelings. As I write this somewhat disjointed blog that I am sure my college English professor would carve a huge big fat “F” on my paper but that’s okay ♥ I still search for answers and explanations for something to which I do not completely comprehend.
I never did speak to Nils again. I don’t think I could. Too many emotions. I wish he was not connected to this process because it has made it very painful. I would even go as far to say that I am absolutely terrified of him, the power there and that is not like me. I fear very little. I wish everyday that there was another way and that I had never set eyes on him. What can I say? It is a moment frozen in time. Can I say I loved him? I did. I do. That feeling even after all of this time remains. And I don’t know how that is possible. I never told him what happened to me. I have not felt ready to do so even after all this time. It would most likely cause more pain than it already has. After all the representation of the power of our meeting can be physically observed in my body. It wasn’t nothing. He probably doesn’t even remember my name. There is herculean anger there towards him because what he has triggered has wreaked havoc upon my life, my daughters life. I will never be able to set aside his callousness in this situation. But not a day goes by that he doesn’t enter my mind. Beyond that I don’t allow my mind to wander too much. Nothing since the first day I saw him and no one that has happened to me since has ever been so frightening and confusing, no person I’ve ever known before has ever done more to make me more certain, more in doubt, more important and less significant . It hit me like an F3 twister. This didn’t just disappoint me, it shook the foundations of my beliefs. My beliefs in human beings, in my being, in my judgment. In my sense of reality. It didn’t just surprise me, it truly stunned me. It just blew me away.
My intention for writing this blog is to help people choose wisely, not to instill fear. The Kundalini is much more profound than anyone could imagine. Even though this is something actively happening to me, I do let it do what it needs to and it is in my background for the most part. Some folks are devotees and make it their centerpiece. Not for me. I have other work to do here and glorifying this instead of living my life I feel would be wrong. I never imagined that my life would take this turn, but it has. The words that I use to describe my experience may seem gritty and shattering but this is the final awakening-at least on Earth- it is in many ways earthshattering. And I can be a grisly person when I write. There is no sugarcoating with me-ever. My grandmother used to say I had a spine made out of steel, she said I was unflappable. This awakening changed that. I never wanted to be different, but I am. Then this happened and it shocked me. This awakening broke me. It did. And then it began to put me back together, cell by cell. People who know me that have seen me going through this process say they wish they could do something to help me. They really can’t do anything except keep me in their prayers. The effect that this has had on my daughter is a source of pain for me. She is still worried something will happen to my heart. It is almost unforgivable. It is almost unsurvivable to see her tears as a mother over this process. This is an area where my ego is still strong and mama bearish and if ever a tear rolled down her cheek there would be hell to pay. She is my Angel. I hate what this has done to her. Motherhood in itself is a beautiful realm in which to awaken in its own right. Awakenings can affect your loved ones profoundly.
I can’t skim the surface with my practice and pretend that everything is love and light because it isn’t. Most of the time life is filled with profound changes and challenges and we are all just trying to understand. Going deep and being honest is the very least that I can offer my clients. Otherwise it’s inauthentic and hypocritical, things I abhor. No one can tell me I’m wrong for being transparent.
From what I have surmised Kundalini Awakening is the ultimate test of faith, not a class or pose. It teaches that we are but a small vessel in which the Divine operates. I know that this process will eventually end, at least I hope and pray that it does, although some people experience the cleansing symptoms throughout their entire lifespan, knowing me I will probably miss it when it returns to the heart chakra once the cleansing is finished. I know I will not be coming back to the Earth once this lifetime is finished. I’ve known that since I was a wee tot. I hope where I am going is as beautiful as the dreams that were not able to be realized in this lifetime.
I posted a photo of my Buddha Belly to demonstrate one of the physical manifestations of the Kundalini energy. I posted this partially so folks can see the visualization of this manifestation in a human body. I know that posting this photo might seem a little unprofessional and sensational but I wanted to drive home my words in an effective manner. I understand that the photo’s I have posted may alarm or even frighten people. I understand it may effect my practice. But it is a good filter too. I feel it’s better to be as honest as you possibly can in your life-otherwise what’s the point? I could write about the same ideas that are repeated over and over online or I could write about what’s happening with the Kundalini Awakening. I am also a writer and an anthropologist and this is my story, part of my life story. This is also I believe part of our story as human beings that are connected to the Divine energy and after I am long gone maybe a few souls will read this and understand that someone long ago went through this and survived. Maybe they will find strength in my courage to post an authentic experience with all the truths that surround it physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Kundalini is not love and light. It’s not positive or negative. It just is. It is an encompassment of all that is in our human experience. The dark, the light and everything in between. It is a profound bio-spiritual agent. I will not sanitize my life experience when it comes to the supernatural realm. I know the strong will be able to handle this. I wanted to demystify a process that is still shrouded in the exotic and cloaked secrecy and misinformation. We call it Kundalini but honestly we may be interpreting something that has other meanings off-planet. Kundalini Awakening is not shameful. It is not a concept or state of mind, it is a very real and tangible part of everyone. I wanted to share this experience as I have held it alone too long. This is not something I asked for, I didn’t achieve this. It is NOT an accomplishment in my life. This really isn’t anything I even want to be associated with, have anything to do with. But I am. These are my observations as someone who is experiencing this. I don’t know that is of any particular truth. I am fairly certain my perspective is not very popular and I know it is of a more conservative tone. But I am approaching this experience bio-spiritually-not from the viewpoint of enlightenment through yoga. Even though it’s challenging I try to accept the things that come forward and take it all in. No matter what I go through I will never stop helping those that need me. Do I want this? Not particularly, but I learn and grow each day knowing and reaffirmed that things are never as simple as we think they are and that my quest continues to discover the mysteries of our Universe-after all what part of our life is truly under our control?
Blessings
I will continue to update this blog as I move through this experience..
For my daughter Aubrey….
